[Persistent and affectionate younger brother + sensitive and rational female researcher]
Double cleansing + sweet torture
I once thought that my life was a ship without a direction.
When I was seven years old, my mother left with my younger brother. The words "losing money" were like a cold thorn piercing my heart.
From then on, I understood that feelings are the most unreliable variable in the world.
Until that little boy who I had lost in the memory cache re-entered my world with a dazzling light.
At first, I just thought of him as a younger brother who needed to be taken care of, the clingy "little tail" of my best friend's family.
I regard myself as my sister and draw clear safety boundaries.
But the way he looked at me never looked like a younger brother.
He would make warm ginger tea because of my unexplainable menstrual cramps, and would shield me from all wind and rain without hesitation when I was cornered by my loved ones.
He told me over and over again: "Miaomiao, you can try to rely on me."
I started getting "system errors" frequently.
The heartbeat overclocked when he was near, the cache overheated when he showed affection.
He said he has liked me since a long time ago.
I'm scared, I'm four years older than him.
I'm used to being the "older sister" who takes care of others.
I'm afraid of dependence, and I'm afraid of losing it again after getting used to it.
I am even more afraid that my incomplete past and family are not worthy of having such a pure and passionate love from him.
Love is a game for the brave...
They say I'm a genius.
But no one taught me how to decode "love", the most illogical virus.
But... I fell
