I’ll Lend You My Luxury Car. Let’s See You Panic

I’m So Cute (Baby Burp), How Can I Ever Run Out of Books? Squeak (Clenches Tiny Fists)

I don't want a girl-magnet protagonist, brainless wish fulfillment, awkwardness, or cringe. I'm just a barely weaned reader hoping for a book with a fresh, fast-paced, humorous plot, characters who use their brains, sound logic, no stupidity, a moderate amount of showing off, and decent values! (Blows a stream of snot)