Pain! You're Blocking My Sun!

There’s a shabby teahouse in Konoha Village. Its owner, Kong, has three simple goals in life: soak up the sun, stroke his cat, and drink warm tea.

Until one day, Pain’s Almighty Push sends his sun umbrella flying.

Kong looks up at the sky. "Hey, nose-ring guy, you’re blocking my sun."

He gives a casual wave.

Boom! The Deva Path of Pain becomes a meteor crater three kilometers beyond the Land of Fire.

From then on, trouble comes one thing after another:

► The rampaging Nine-Tails smashes the fence? Kong frowns. "Little fox, quiet down."

► The younger brother of the Sage of Six Paths, who once struck fear into the Nine-Tails?

► Obito tries to take a hostage? Kong mutters, "Aren’t you hot wearing all those layers?"

► Obito freezes like a dog on the snowy plains of the Land of Iron, still wearing his Akatsuki cloak.

► Uchiha Madara smashes the shogi board? Kong sighs. "Roof repairs are expensive..."

► Susanoo, wielder and all, gets shoved three meters underground.

When Otsutsuki Kaguya smashes the last pane of window glass, Kong finally steps outside with his teacup in hand.

"If you want to fight, take it outside! Interstellar delivery, shipping included!"

That very day, every villain in the universe receives a one-way ticket to another star system, along with a complimentary tea bag.

Now, the teahouse called "One Leaf Retreat" has a new sign:

[No fighting inside. Violators must perform a chest-smashing-Susanoo stunt.]

Next door, Naruto lectures his son Boruto: "You dare disturb Uncle Kong’s nap? Even your Uncle Kurama wags his tail when he sees him now!"

Reader’s note:

The protagonist really can’t fight. He only knows how to fix roofs, demand compensation, and bask in the sunset.

The Sage of Six Paths is his tea-making lackey, and Kaguya is a client who owes him money.