Among the ravines and ridges of the Loess Plateau in northwestern Shanxi, ten-year-old Zhang Zhenshan huddled in a dilapidated cave dwelling. So he could “make something of himself,” his parents, Zhang Youfu and Li Xiulan, tightened their belts and sent him away from the mountain village. From middle school in town to high school in the county seat, then on to a distant university in the south, the journey home grew longer and longer, from a week to half a month to an entire semester. Each time he left, his parents’ eager hopes and their words, “It’ll all be better once you graduate,” were his only comfort and his only shackle.
After graduating from university, Zhang Zhenshan longed to return home and care for his parents. Instead, he met with their unprecedentedly firm opposition: “There’s no future in a small place. Go out and make your way!” Hurt and confused, he left again, heading for a coastal special economic zone. Amid the loneliness of a foreign place, the pressure of making ends meet, and the language barrier, he worked desperately to improve his skills and earn a degree while working, all so he could build up enough “promise” to return to the yellow earth he dreamed of day and night.
Years later, after enduring hardship upon hardship, Zhang Zhenshan was finally transferred back to his home province. But what awaited him was not his parents’ welcoming smiles. Instead, he found a glaring obituary at the village entrance and two cold graves on the hillside. His hometown had changed beyond recognition: dust covered the crumbling old house, childhood friends had become strangers, and at work he felt like an outsider who did not belong. The crushing sense of loss and the piercing pain of having failed to care for his parents gnawed at him day and night.
Kneeling before his parents’ graves, Zhang Zhenshan bowed deeply again and again. Then he shouldered a simple pack and took one last look at the Loess Plateau, where his parents lay buried, along with half a lifetime of homesickness. His figure receded into the swirling dust, leaving behind a sorrowful question that would haunt him for the rest of his life: After all those twists and turns and half a lifetime spent adrift, after fleeing and returning, where is truly home?
