I Am Awu

My name is me In my chaotic memories, the sky was blue-gray, like an old slate that could never be cleaned. Whenever the stone slab was brutally torn open, revealing the shadow of the magnificent palace behind it, my mother would hold me tightly in her arms, cover my eyes with her rough palms, and say in a shaky voice in my ear: "Don't look... My son, the gods are on patrol." Later I learned that it was not a god, but a demon. The "heaven" they established rules the sky, and we are ants crawling under their shadow. Our tribe relies on a large river called "Chishui". The river water is a turbid ocher red, and legend has it that it is the endless blood of gods who were killed in ancient times. The tribe's shamanistic rituals include sinking the fattest prey and the most beautiful girls into the river every year to pray for it not to flood and for fish and shrimps. At that time, I felt that all this was natural. We offer sacrifices to demons, rivers, mountains, and anything we fear. These are the rules of life. I was different from other kids. I am thin and not good at running and throwing. This saved me from heavy hunting and labor, but also made me useless in the tribe. My only pleasure is observing. I watched ants move, birds flying across the sky, rainwater splashing on stones, and the zigzag patterns on my body drawn with ocher during shamanistic dances.