Today, I stand here to announce a major decision: I’ve decided to retire! That’s right, I’ve finally decided to hang up my sneakers, even though the wall is already covered with my trophies and those hilarious photos.
Over the years, I’ve learned not only how to dribble and dunk, but also how to sneak a slice of pizza during postgame interviews. Thanks to my teammates, especially the guys who brought me water in the middle of a game. You’ve always had my back.
I also want to thank my opponents. You taught me how to look cool on the court, even though you were always saying I traveled. And to all the guys who said my crab-style play looked ugly, thanks for making me stronger!
Last but not least, thanks to my family, especially my mom. Her fried chicken wings gave me boundless strength on the court. Thank you all for your support and cheers over the years. Now, I’m off to enjoy some well-earned downtime, with plenty more fried chicken wings and pizza, of course!
Goodbye, basketball court! Goodbye, brothers! I’m Zhang Moose, the Crab King forever!
