There Are Weirdos by the Thousands, and Half of Them Cultivate Immortality

I transmigrated into a cultivation world, where everything went catastrophically wrong from the start. I got bound to a brain-dead System, too. No spiritual roots from the start, plus a catastrophe-reversing buff. Peeing feels like pissing fire, pooping feels like passing a knife, and while other people hurt more the harder they're beaten, I enjoy it more. I thought the System would give me something great once I set out on the path of cultivation, but instead it gave me a steaming pile of crap. [Timid Little Donkey: Mount, law-affix entry: always runs away in fear] [Painful Salted Fish: Magical treasure, law-affix entry: can only inflict pain when it hits someone in the crotch] In the end, I came up with a profound saying: If it comes from the System, it must be idiotic. This brain-dead System is doing people no end of harm!!!!!! (If you see this under Ultraman fan fiction, don't be surprised. I accidentally clicked the wrong contract option, and now I can't change it.) (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`)