The Song Dynasty’s Bianjing Wordsmith

Yan Xu: “General Yue, have you met that Jin Wushu? How is the war going? What are the casualties?”

Yue Fei: “I met him. We were lucky to win. More than five hundred of my men were wounded, and ninety-nine were killed!”

Yan Xu: “What? Does Jin Wushu have three heads and six arms? Why weren't there zero casualties?”

Yan Xu: “Don't take offense, General Yue. I was too harsh. Now that the Jin army has retreated, you can hand over your military duties and come do odd jobs at the newspaper office!”

Atop Li Shishi's pleasure house.

Yan Xu: “Miss Shishi, ask that Uncle Zhao to give me a piece of land, preferably somewhere in Shandong.”

Li Shishi: “What does Brother Yan plan to do? Have I not been attentive enough?”

Yan Xu: “The northern barbarians have invaded. I'm going to drive them out and reclaim Yanyun.”

Li Shishi: “Brother Yan, will you take me with you?”

Yan Xu: “That wouldn't be a good idea. You're too young! Besides, what will we do if that Uncle Zhao comes while you're away?”

Li Shishi: “That fat fool is only good at licking... and painting and calligraphy. Brother Yan is the one we can count on to drive out the barbarians and reclaim Yanyun.”

Outside the door, Zhao Ji burst into tears. Uncle? Fat fool? And licking?! Are they talking about me? I'm the Emperor of Great Song, for heaven's sake! You two shameless people, I... Forget it, I'll put up with this. I can't afford to offend either of them!

“Hyah! Hyah!” A fast horse raced ahead, with a group of cavalrymen in hot pursuit.

“Whoa! You bunch of soldiers, I told you not to pull that ‘drape the yellow robe over me’ stunt. And you're still doing it?”

“We aren't!” The men behind him hurriedly hid a bright yellow imperial robe behind their backs.

“Zongze, if you aren't doing anything, why are you hiding that?”