The Sorrowful Heaven

Ingredients: A little horror, plus some hand-wringing about human nature for no good reason; two-thirds plain narration, one-third thrilling climaxes.

Origin: A rotting, stinking lump of a human organ with a furrowed, tissue-like surface, supposedly known as the “brain.”

Effects: A variety of potential benefits yet to be explored, including early childhood education, relief from constipation, improved circulation, detoxification and beautification, immortality, and even resurrection. Best consumed in a dimly lit room with no one else around.

Directions: Take once after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Parents should watch together with their children.

Warnings: Do not overuse. May cause addiction, mental confusion, vacant stares, drooling, and demands for the author to update sooner, among other adverse effects. Should any of these side effects occur, please leave plenty of comments and tips for the author to ease your symptoms.

Price: A little glimmer of human reason, plus one-tenth of a longing for a better life. (Please note: all sales are final!)