Never Forgetting

“Have I fallen for her?”

That was the first time I ever questioned my own orientation.

I spent the entire night thinking about it, not because I had any particular aversion to this kind of relationship. Quite the opposite: I was afraid she would be repulsed by it.

Carefully approaching, stopping, approaching again, stopping again: this tangled feeling kept burning away at my reason.

Fortunately, she had feelings for me too.

But there was an intensely practical problem between us. She knew it, and so did I: our separation was a difficult problem to solve. I didn't try too hard to persuade her to stay. We both needed time. She needed to be sure of her feelings and stand firm in them, while I needed to “grow up.”

Later, anxious and uneasy, I saw her again. She said things that contradicted what she felt, but didn't she know?

Eyes don't lie.