This Sword Immortal Has a Little Too Much Meat

[Fantasy with a wild premise, white-robed sword immortal, smart characters, sweet romance and heartbreak. If you're here for pure wish fulfillment, turn back now. Something terrifying lies ahead!]

Is that a knife?

I'm a sword cultivator. Why would there be a knife? This is a sugary-sweet cultivation romance...

I'm not lying, I swear...

The hell you aren't! Let me tell you, life is about more than just scraping by. There's poetry and far-off places, too!

I don't get it!

Then repeat after me:

I have a sword that splits the heavens, parts the earth, and stands alone through the ages!

I have a wish: peace, freedom from worry, and a love that endures forever!

I have a jug of wine. I drink half and sip half, to drown the sorrows of past and present!

I have a heart that turns black, then red, and follows its own desires!

I'll borrow three feet of earth from the immortal path, forge my treasured sword with my sharp blade, and ask: who can withstand one strike?

I really don't have three heads and six arms. I'm just a tiny bit meatier than everyone else!

Isn't that poem very sword-immortal-like?

It's a terrible poem. It doesn't sound very immortal, but it sure is sword-like. What about those far-off places?

The far-off places... You'll understand when you fall in love...

Why?

Because those far-off places... are far away at the edge of the world, yet close at hand. They're always there, in the one you love. As long as you have eyes that see everywhere, you'll find them...

What do they look like? I think I can see them...

Really? Tell me what you can see.

I see red mushrooms growing all over white stalks...

Smack!

Next time, look more carefully. Those are poisonous...

But that's all I can see...

I see you have excellent bones and unusual talent. Would you like to follow me and cultivate immortality?

Will cultivating immortality let me see those far-off places clearly?

Join my immortal sect, and you can forge an undying golden body and cultivate fiery eyes. Once you've mastered them, you can live as long as the heavens and endure for all eternity, deathless and indestructible. What do you think?