Me! A Decent Man, Mistaken by the Empress for a Lecher

[Pirated "Donkey" System + a physique that can battle street aunties for three days and three nights + beauty portraits + an arrogant empress]

I don't rob anyone or break the law. I just like money and pretty women. So what? So what?

I've spent eighteen years in Chang'an. Which big sister don't I know, which little sister haven't I told a joke? What does the empress choosing a young attendant have to do with me?

They say the empress is a pervert and everyone she takes into the palace gets ruined. If I go, won't I end up locked in a little black room?

At court, I said my ancestors were butchers, but the female official insisted they were dung collectors. I suspect she dug up my family's graves.

The System is unreliable too. Everything it gives me is pirated. It says pirated medical books can't kill anyone, but I don't believe it, and it insists I treat a young lady.

Pirated stuff is one thing, but even learning a skill requires a beauty portrait as a trigger. As for what the beauty portraits are, use your imagination.

I asked it for a treasure and got a marshmallow physique, soft and squishy. It told me I could become invincible, but now the empress throws herself at me every night.

The stronger my opponent, the stronger I become. The weaker my opponent, the weaker I become. I can trade blows with peak experts, or battle a shrew on the street for three days and three nights.

This blurb doesn't do the story justice. Please read the novel itself.