Diary of a Madman with Depression

When I was in school, I was often bullied. I wanted to exercise and become stronger, but I gave up when I got tired and forgot. Every time school started, I always hoped that I could learn well, but forget it after a week or two. If I didn't do my homework for a day, I would make up for it, and it would snowball. I was always making up for my homework. I still remember the first time I resisted, so powerless. I knew that as long as I was ruthless and cut their throats with a knife, they wouldn't be able to survive! But I just don't want my parents to worry, I don't want my parents to know, I want to be a good child, again and again, one by one, now I remember clearly, every time I think about it, I hate and feel uncomfortable, I want to study hard, but I can't even recognize the pinyin, homework, homework, I keep making up, I want to kill them, but my family's Worry about legal responsibilities. Those who break the law, those who are in jail, and those who are injured will have to pay compensation. I ran away and refused to go to school. After that, I became a coward, squatting at home, a sloppy guy, and my mother left. I don't smoke or drink. I stay in a daze every day, imagining beautiful worlds. Come and forget everything! After staying for a while, I went out to work for three months. I didn't know how to speak, I was clumsy, I didn't dare to look in the eyes, and I couldn't adapt. I didn't go out after I got home. I stayed in my room and looked at my phone all day long. I slept, ate, and slept. What was my life like? To be honest, I want to hug my dad, I miss my mom.

To be honest, living is too troublesome. I never think about the future, and I don't think about it. I want to die again and again but dare not, and I have already taken action but haven't died again and again. Living is more troublesome, and suicide is also troublesome. This life may be a stranger. I have never seen it. I can tell it, but I can't tell the people around me. Maybe I will die that day. I also want to be the brightest star, but I can only be the missing dust.

If I had never been born, would I not have experienced everything in reality, from the whiteness of birth to the blackness of pollution, from white paper to dissipation like waste paper or dust? I admire those people who accept the torture of reality, but I am just feeling the torture. Reality hangs you with all kinds of good things and tortures you in various ways. If life is destined to die, I would rather not be born and die early, so that I will not experience everything between life and death.

I clearly know that if I exercise for a while every day, my body will be much better, but I just can't stick to it, and I feel like I don't want to go. Maybe I thought everything was too perfect, but it was always different. I want to die and live at the same time, a perfect life, perfect friends, a perfect life, a perfect home, but why is it even better to have the kind of perfection I want? Impossible. What am I now? I feel like I am not worthy of even the most filthy and disgusting curse words. It's like black water is flowing out of the body in the darkness. There is no way but to hold the body and wait for death. The only light is my own fantasy. Even I gave up. For a moment I wanted to reach out for help but gave up because I couldn't catch it. It's so late, I'm obviously very sleepy but I don't dare to sleep. I stare at my phone in a daze, unable to say what I want to say. I'm so tired and sleepy that I want to fall asleep without waking up. Every day I suppress crazy thoughts and hide my own ugliness. I want to be a wild beast that goes crazy at will, expresses desires, and has no reason, instead of becoming a person bound by all kinds of tangible and invisible chains of morality and law.

After reading the first few chapters, I no longer want to read any more. I don't know how to spend the next days like this, although it is exactly the same as my life, confused and hesitant. Life gives us memories of the past, allowing us to recall the past over and over again, as if it were purgatory. But life is so peaceful. My parents video chat every day and I play with my partner. There is no reason. Maybe I have given up on myself. Sure enough, it was as I predicted before, there was no future, it was like a black hole. I thought it was death, but it turned out to be like this. I am grateful to my parents for allowing me to have a decent appearance. Thank you... I don't want to say anything anymore. I have nothing to say. It's all pretentious.