Rabbit's Diary

But I still want to say that I recently read a novel about psychology, and I don't know if I am depressed. I have not been to the hospital or to a doctor. Everyone thinks I'm... An ordinary person. My personality changed in the sixth grade, but for some reason I can't remember clearly what happened in the sixth grade. The past events have become very faded in my memory. I don't know when my personality changed. I don't know if my sadness and pain have been accumulated for a long time and then exploded at a certain moment, or during a certain period of time, or whether it was just during that period of time that I felt sadness and pain. I don't understand myself, I really don't understand myself. For a while, I felt like I had lost my soul. I feel like I am no longer in this world. Everything I do after I put down my phone, I feel like my heart is not in it. My mother told me not to read novels, saying that novels affect my study. Every time I failed in an exam, she would use novels as an excuse. But she didn't understand that during that time, only when I was reading novels could I feel my true self, that I was still alive, and that I still existed in this world. Sometimes I think my childhood was happy, but if I think about it, I can identify thousands of disappointments and pains. Was my childhood really happy? One of the childhood things I remember most clearly is - that day we went to the river to play together. He was two years older than me. I was very young at that time, and I can't remember exactly when it was. I must not have gone to school at that time... He pointed to the plastic bag in the water and told me that it was a balloon, and asked me to pick it up for him. I went... And almost didn't come back. Of course I knew it was just a joke between children. My most cherished companion in childhood was him, but he liked to control others. Very controlling, he has a lot of friends, I understand, I'm not his best friend. Then under his guidance, many of my friends and I staged a painful friendship drama of betrayal and separation. I still remember that it was a night and it was raining. I went out to buy something. When I came back, he took one of my friends and stopped me. I was very anxious at the time, and when I went back later, I was soaked all over. The world of children also has society: we were divided into some factions at that time, and I didn't know how to choose which side. Now that I think about it, I feel that I was very naive and also very... Helpless. I once confided in a friend of mine, but I later learned that he didn't understand. I once told my deskmate about my feelings for a certain person, but he said what I said as a joke in front of that person. I have become afraid to tell others what is in my heart, but I really want to say it, and I really want others to know how I feel... I also understand that I really don't understand myself, I don't know what I want, and I don't know my own personality. Some people think that I am a gentle person, some think that I am a person who is very good at chatting with others, some think that I am a domineering person, some think that I am a cheerful person, some think that I am a poisonous person... But no one thinks that I am a fragile person... I don't know when, I started to like to lie quietly in an open place where I can see the sky, and do what I want to do. I don't know if I am depressed or not. When I came into contact with this matter, I was already like this. Sometimes I feel that I am just like ordinary people, but I hope that I am... Not ordinary people. I care about other people's feelings. Sometimes I feel like I said the wrong thing and want to apologize, but I think about it over and over again and finally do it, but it feels like it's a beat too late. Sometimes I am not slow to respond, but I am thinking about how to respond to you better. I am afraid that my tools will hurt you, and I am afraid that my words will offend you. I always like to add some emoticons when chatting online, because I'm afraid you'll think I'm indifferent. I am really eager to get a reply from others... Sometimes I am very sensitive to some words, and sometimes my attitude towards some people may become moody. If when I am sad, I tell you that I am fine and I smile reluctantly, it means that I don't want to affect you. If I just shake my head, it means I don't want to talk. It is only here that I reveal my true feelings to those closest to me. Of course, I don't know if this feeling is real... I can't control my inner thoughts. When I close my eyes at night, sometimes a ferocious grimace will appear. Sometimes during the day, ferocious grimaces will appear when I open my eyes. I think it is my imagination, I am not afraid... Sometimes I also want to think about some good people, or people I want to think about, or strangers or people I know. But when I keep thinking about it, weird pictures will appear. I think that's what I want to think about. I want to control it, but for some reason... I can't help it. For example: when thinking about a person and trying to think clearly about his face, his face slowly becomes distorted, even turning into a terrifying look. I had the clearest dream, and the dream I still remember is: I became a policeman in the dream, and I remember my identity as a policeman. I walked into a car, took off a person in that car, and then dragged his head, leaving a long trail of blood... I didn't know what that dream meant, but I knew that I entered the dream in the first-person perspective. The name of the policeman (that is, my person who brought him in) was--Liu Zixing. I still remember this name because... It's very similar to her name. I only realized it when I told her about it. I don't know if I'm still an ordinary person, but I hope to meet everyone here who understands me... I hope everyone can read what I say patiently. Can you give me some advice and talk to me. I have written a lot, but today I really want to tell you my feelings and my story. Some of the words are a little illogical, and some of the context doesn't make much sense. I feel very calm now, really calm. I just want to use this chatting tone to talk to everyone... I am really naive... Also, I have determined: I am only friendly to her, and she is also friendly to me. This is good, at least I can tell the difference, and it is much better than before.

My mom: Don't think it's a big deal if you have depression, you behave like a madman* I really can't stand it anymore. At school, I was told bad things, excluded, had my hair pulled, and I had to face my parents' faces when I got home... If only they hadn't given birth to me, I wouldn't be so tired now...

I also suffer from depression. I would talk about it at the beginning, but they would only say that I am ignorant of my blessings despite my blessings, that I am artificial, and that if I want to die, I should hurry up. Slowly, I learned to pretend, laugh, and be very humorous, just like normal people. At night, I would not be able to sleep all night long, would collapse in tears in bed, could not eat, suffered from tinnitus, auditory hallucinations, self-mutilation, and wanted to lose my temper and throw things. But I don't want others to know that when the last straw fell on me, when the pain and despair were mixed, I could go to see Mrs. Meng with a smile.

I want to be enveloped in darkness. I sometimes feel that I am bipolar, Sometimes I feel like I'm not depressed. But when it came, I felt so painful, so unreasonable, so... Uncomfortable. I remember how I felt when I saw the marks on my arms. No one understands me, not even myself. I don't know if my normality in front of them is a disguise or reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm being hypocritical. I think so much that I don't even know what I'm really thinking. I also wrote a diary, which recorded my... Heart. I don't want anyone to see it, because... They don't understand. I enjoy walking outside, but I prefer to keep my hat on, preferably over my... Eyes. So I fell in love with wearing a hat and walking on the embankment in the deserted streets at night.

I heard that speaking out about bad things will make you feel better. If you have any unhappy things, you can tell us in this building. Let all the troubles disappear~leave the troubles here and take away the happiness. I hope sunshine, food, and flowers can bring you happiness. I have been looking for the picture for a long time.ヾ(❀╹◡╹)ﾉ~

I've been in pretty good shape lately, and I feel like nothing can make me angry or sad. I had an argument with my mother yesterday. In the past, I would have cried a lot, but yesterday I laughed and argued with her for two hours. . . . . I don't know what's wrong with me, but I feel like I'm sick. I want to cry for no reason. My heart always throbs for no apparent reason. I always shed tears for no reason. I don't want to talk or communicate with others. I keep everything in my heart. I really feel very tired. Now that I think about it, I realize that I haven't smiled for two weeks and my mood doesn't fluctuate much. There is another very funny thing. Now I am no longer interested in painting, which I love so much. I still force myself to draw one every day. After all, I have not practiced painting for three days. I really, really like painting. This love has penetrated into my bones. I think, just a little bit, just a little bit. Give me the right to choose and learn to paint. I am ridiculously childish. My wish for my birthday this year is to get a compliment from my parents 😂😂 It's childish, right? There were stars in my eyes, and my eyes once twinkled. Now my eyes are covered with a layer of cloth, and I can't see the stars inside. 😌 I like Hanfu, and they threw away the Hanfu I had saved up for a long time to buy; I like painting, but they didn't let me learn, and tore up my paintings. Growing up, I never received professional training. I'm now 14 years old, and my brother ridiculed me that I don't even know how to do it (he took the class himself, and my mother paid for it); I like JK, but they said it was nondescript, so I didn't buy it; I like COS, they They said I was a monster (we use this as a curse, meaning that I was wearing something weird), so I hid my COS clothes; I liked the way the school made me feel, but they forced me to drop out of school because of a drop in my grades; later, one day they asked me, "Do you have anything you like?" I said, "I have, and now I have hidden it in my heart, so it means I don't have anything." One day my mother and I had a fight, and she said that I had changed, so I replied, "Where have I changed? Isn't it the way you like me?" My parents divorced when I was five years old and started a new family. I rarely went there because I was like an outsider to them, even though I was an outsider to begin with. . . . . . . . My mother tried her best to send my brother to college, but when I was about to enter high school, my mother said that she could no longer afford to support my studies. I just smiled at that moment and went back to my room. My brother is 20 this year, but he asks his parents for living expenses every month. His monthly living expenses are 1,000+, and my monthly living expenses are 200+. After deducting 100+ daily necessities, the rest is for me to eat and buy stationery. . . . . . My brother often laughs at me for being so ignorant. My dad is willing to spend more than 6,000 yuan for my brother to buy a computer, but he is reluctant to spend more than 1,000 yuan to enroll me in a hobby class that I am interested in and buy me clothes. I even have to wait a month to get the dozens of dollars to buy clothes... I'm really, really tired. I won't talk anymore. I'm going to bed. I really want to not be able to sleep at all 😉😌 But this will make grandma sad, so let's forget it. You're great today too, so keep up the good work. Okay, you can quit. I'm afraid no one will praise you today. "The dangerous building is a hundred feet high, and you can pick the stars with your hands. Don't dare to speak loudly, for fear of scaring the heavens." Come on!

Today grandma said: "Depression means not sleeping well and not studying hard... You said you play games every day. Look, someone played games until he jumped off a building and even hooked up with his sister. This is your game, this light, S and so on... Don't let me play it, I won't allow it." Xu! I see, this game is the source of your depression! You shouldn't play it! Let me tell you, would you be happy if you were admitted to Tsinghua University? Look, some people jumped off the building after playing games..." I want to ask, is it not good enough for me to be the first in the exam? So how can I study well... I really can't stand listening to what's going on... I feel so uncomfortable today. Do you want to leave today... Oh, right! You can't leave, there are still friends in the game... But I can't play anymore, or they don't care about you at all? My light seems to be getting darker again... It's okay, you have to work hard, at least your light is not extinguished... When I first started playing at least, the first word that came out was suicide... No, you can't commit suicide, it will look ugly, and you will be called hypocritical... I really want to be alone in a corner, no one can see me, and I can be quiet by myself... The writing is a bit confusing, don't mind... I found a lot of typos...

People always think that depression is abnormal and negative, but only those who are deeply in the quagmire know how difficult it is to persevere. For me, depression is not a disease, but a person's inner resistance to external influences. The world is very, very dark. The indifference of human nature and the darkness of society prevent us from learning how to behave early. But for our family, it would be nice to go to school, and then tell you stories about their time. But here, Tutu, listen to me, now is a new era, and we cannot be limited to the past. If you want to live well, you must work hard. You can't give up just because of some trivial things, right? Tutu, why did you come down to earth in the first place? Are you here to escape the tribulation? Silly Tutu, don't limit yourself to other people's comments, and don't stay stuck in the past. As long as you are willing, if you look up at us, even if it's just a glance, we will try our best to pull you up. This world is too dark for clean people like you. You are our ideal in the world, the treasure in our palms, the candy in our mouths, and the unique rabbit in this world. Fish Shen Yan Yao Tianya Road, began to believe that separation in the world is painful. Come on, Rabbit! We are always by your side. When Tutu is unhappy, you can chat with me. I'm always online. Tutu acts as a trash can for other people's souls, and I act as a complaint box for Tutu's troubles. If Tutu is unhappy, he can tell me anything. Tutu, you are the ideal in the world, wear your crown👑, don't bow your head, the crown will fall off, lock up your pride, nothing in this world is worth bowing to, you are our most noble princess, and we are the knights who will always be by your side. The sparrows play with the vassal firewood, how can one know that the swans are roaming around? Come on, Tutu, don't break your wings to soar in the sky just because of a little depression. You are not that little bird, but the Kunpeng who "carries the blue sky on his back and refuses to let go, and then he will be in the south today." (First long review, given to my ideal human rabbit)

Alas, I have been taking online classes recently. I can only read your diary when I have free time at 1 o'clock in the morning and evening. I'm not happy.

I was diagnosed with severe depression half a year ago. Now I have insomnia every day in the middle of the night. I feel like nothing matters. I often have headaches. My parents don't understand...